Hi Reader,

It's been some time since I have sent a newsletter. I have been in the messy middle (which I guess most of life is, but there are times that just feel a bit messier), and I was struggling. I will be brief here and if you would like to read more I have expanded in a blog post. Both versions are vulnerable and I want to first warn that I discuss suicide and deep grief in the blog post, so if this is not the right time for you to read this that is okay. Next, if you or anyone who you know is struggling with suicidal ideation or are in crisis, please use the 988 Lifeline; also let's just share this resource so we normalize these conversations and so we don't have to scramble when we, or someone we love, are in crisis. I also want you to know that I am well and supported.

My messy middle started this fall with a cold that flared my silent GERD in late October, which for me means losing my voice, having a dry cough and lots of mucous. It's both difficult and gross. I had some ups and big downs in between, and overall didn't have my voice really back until the first week of the new year. I struggled with all of this a lot - for me losing my voice comes with a lot of emotion, it stirred up childhood memories, made me reflect on the last flare I had in my early 20s, and brought up a ton of self-doubt around my work ("How can I work without a voice?" "Who am I to be doing this work when I can't even take care of myself?"). I took a 3 day immersion course with hours of restorative practices with one of my favorite teachers, Jill Miller, and realized just how tired and depleted I was. I found support through many providers and practices, I leaned into it all. Many of you were alongside me as I worked through this, and I appreciate the support. Two key changes to my day to day are that I got off of social media (Instagram for me) in mid December and still haven't been back on, and I only check the news once a day. And I did have many moments of joy, beauty, and meaning in between it all. Life is messy, and beautiful.

I share all of this to share my humanity, to share that knowing something is different than experiencing something, and to share that we all have days/weeks/months/years of struggle, not one of us is immune to the challenges and losses that come with life much as we may try to bargain our way through at first. I have come to this work because I have needed it and felt the power of it. Your grief and struggles are likely not the same as mine, but you know grief and struggle in your way. I feel alone in these times, and I kept being reminded and reminding myself, "I am not alone." If you share the same loneliness in your struggles, please reach out to those in your support circles and turn to anything that reminds you of your humanity and connection - snuggle with your pets, people watch in a park or coffee shop, listen to a podcast, go for a walk, sit near a body of water, meditate/pray/connect to spirit in some way, dance, take a class of any kind. We are not alone.

I have used January to be a month of deep reflection and just standing in the doorway of the new year (a phrase and invitation that came from this wonderful podcast). As we step into February, pass the halfway point from winter to spring, and finally have a week of sunshine and blue skies just behind us, I am taking time to feel the warmth of the sun, to notice how much I brighten when I see a blue sky and the moon, and to very gently think about doing a bit more while still prioritizing my need for slowing down.

Here are a couple more podcasts that really grounded me through this time:

• ​Kelly Corrigan Wonders with Monica Guzman​
• ​It's Going to Be OK - An Idea - honestly every episode makes me smile or cry in the best way, like this one from Monday​
• ​How to Survive the End of the World with Chain Nicholas - if you are into or interested in astrology and "witchy" things
• We Can Do Hard Things - Letters From Love and 9 Truths That Just Might Save Us - but again almost every episode impacts me and supports my healing
• ​Sounds of SAND - Silent Light​
• An oldie, but goodie from Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us - Day 2​

What helps you when you're in the messy middle, struggling and feeling alone? You can share with me, or just remind yourself and those around you because we all need the support, we all need each other, and we often forget how impactful a moment of connection can be.

I will be planting seeds this month and will be in touch when they begin to germinate and establish themselves. Here’s to continued growth and healing.

With deep gratitude,

Erin

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